Whitney Houston Wants Speedier Divorce

Conan O’Brien joked during his Late Night monologue on Monday night, “Whitney Houston’s in the news. Whitney Houston has asked a judge to speed up her divorce from Bobby Brown. Yeah, Whitney told the judge, ‘Your honor, I want this 14-year cycle of drugs and fighting to end before it turns ugly’.”

Coast Guard Score Big Cocaine Bust

Jay Leno joked during his Tonight Show monologue on Thursday night to his armed forces audience, “Hey, congratulations to the Coast Guard. Did you know about this? They aprehended four men smuggling three tons of cocaine in a homemade submarine. Coast Guard officials said they first got suspicious when they noticed Bobby Brown building a dry dock.”

Eva Longoria Denies Lesbian Film Role With Beyonce

Conan O’Brien joked during his Late Night monologue on Wednesday night, “Eva Longoria is in the news. Eva Longoria is angrily denying rumors that she will be playing Beyonce’s lesbian lover in a movie. Yeah, so no one knows if the movie is real or just a dream I had.”

Eva And Beyonce Get Sapphic On Screen?

Jay Leno joked during his Tonight Show monologue on Tuesday night, “Oh, hear about this? Beyonce and Eva Longoria will play lesbian lovers and have a a number of steamy sex scenes in a new film called ‘Tipping The Velvet’. The film is about — who cares what it’s about? I’m in. I’m going. I don’t care.”

Beyonce Joining Eva Longoria On The Big Screen?

Conan O’Brien joked during his Late Night monologue on Monday night, “According to Variety, there’s a new movie coming out featuring Beyonce and Eva Longoria playing lesbian lovers. [Cheers and applause] Yeah, it’s called ‘The Greatest Movie Ever Made’! There’s no script. I don’t care!”

Pete Doherty And Kate Moss Reunite

Jay Leno joked during his Tonight Show monologue on Thursday night, “Here’s some good news. Model Kate Moss has reunited with her old boyfriend, Pete Doherty. They said their role is to fill the cocaine vacuum created by the breakup of Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston.”

Sorta Sad News

Carson Daly joked during his ‘Last Call’ monologue on Thursday night, “You might have already heard this. Last week — sort of sad news — Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown are getting a divorce. Yeah, I think it’s pretty smart, though. They just wanted to call it quits before the marriage got out of control. … So it seems to be pretty good timing for them. Yeah, no one saw that coming. Luckily, though, they have already agreed on their divorce settlement. It seems very fair. They’re gonna split all of their possessions 50/50. That’s 50 kilos for him, 50 kilos for her.”

New Energy Drink Introduced

Jay Leno joked during his Tonight Show monologue on Tuesday night, “And a company has come out with a new energy drink called Cocaine. Have you heard about this? You know what’s sad? If this had come out just a a week earlier, probably could have saved Whitney and Bobby’s marriage.”

Whitney & Bobby Dividing Possessions

Jay Leno joked during his Tonight Show monologue on Monday night, “You know, Whitney and Bobby, getting a divorce. Yeah. Now I understand their possessions will be divided up by a razor blade.”

Justice Department Smashes Drug Ring

Jay Leno joked during his Tonight Show monologue on Thursday night, “The U.S. Justice department announced today they smashed a a 14 year drug ring. Yeah, Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown are breaking up. Apparently Bobby wouldn’t stop crossing the line and Whitney wouldn’t start snorting it.”

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